Why have surgery?

A question came up this week:  Why have surgery?

Is it vanity?  Is it for curiosity of what may be possible?  I think it's more about self-actualization.

I think about people who have a trauma and lose functionality.  When they smile, they can physically feel a difference from before the trauma and after.  They don't have to see themselves in a mirror to know that something is different.  They have built up muscle mass over time so when they lose functionality, there is usually significant drooping.

For me, I don't have any comparison.  Because my face has always been this way, when I show emotion, the self-image I have of my appearance is similar to most everyone else.  When I smile or laugh, I can't feel my facial paralysis.  If you ask me to show you my teeth, I physically feel like I am showing all of my teeth.  I have to look in the mirror or see a picture to know that the physical movement I'm performing is not actually fully functional.

I go about my day, and never once, do I feel like my range of showing emotion is any different than the person I'm talking to.  If I were to draw a self portrait based on what I physically feel when I smile, I would draw something pretty close to symmetrical.

Mirrors and photos and videos force me to see that the image in my head is not reality.  My self-image and my actual appearance are so different, it's almost a minor experience of shock when I see myself.  I look at my face, and it's not what I expect to see.

Sometimes people tell me that they are worried about my self-worth and self-esteem when I am honest about my emotions and self-image.  My response to them is, bug off.  I'm not sure I know anyone, who when put in my shoes, wouldn't have a few moments (or even years) of self-esteem issues.  Let's be honest, middle school for the average kid = big ball of pre-puberty confusion.  Middle school for the average kid + facial paralysis = an indescribable mess of typical pre-puberty, emotion and angst.  My life has been a lot of adult level soul searching of trying to answer questions of why and how since a ripe age of 4 or 5.  I have done and continue to do the best I can with what I have.  This is the long way to saying I'm not thinking about surgery to boost my self-worth.  (I may or may not write another blog post about the emotional part - still trying to figure out how much to expose online.)

Why do I want to have surgery?  So I can know, how the world sees me is closer to how I envision myself.  Today, that's the best answer I can offer.